To those fresh young things who are still glowing of skin and firm of boobage, who have full and flourishing estrogen reserves, who know only the heat caused by the actual sun and not the infernal hot flashes bestowed upon us by Mother Nature…just keep scrolling, missy! This blog post is not about you and you do not need to traumatize yourself by learning these things too early.
Move along and go partake in some fun, youthful pastimes such as sunbathing or taking a sauna (no, I am not jealous…much). Reading this post would be akin to learning, as an eight-year-old, that Santa…uhm, never mind, let’s deal with one emotionally scarring discovery at a time!
This lament is for us menopausal madams dealing with grey hairs, ballsack wrinkles in the neck, brain fog and horror of horrors…. hot flashes! Oh my good lawd!! I simply cannot deal with these personal heat waves!
Enduring the Midnight Sun
I wake up at least five times throughout the night, feeling like Beelzebub himself has crawled into my bed and is attempting to use my glowing face as a bloody reading light whilst spooning me!
It is rather impressive, considering the osteoarthritis stealthily invading the majority of the bendy bits on my left side, that I am able to go from dead-to-the-world-sleep to, in one impressive gymnastic maneuver, standing upright next to my bed, dripping in sweat, frantically searching for the buttons on my fan whilst snort-panting like a thirsty bulldog.
As anyone who has experienced the joy of hot flashes knows, my steaming innards will invariably magically and traitorously cool down within mere moments after this rude nocturnal attack. This then leaves me shivering and scurry-limping (the arthritis, you see) about in the dark like the crone I am turning into, to retrieve the nighttime accouterments I flung from my flaming body. After each surge, I am left to collect the duvet, which had been tossed aside like it were on fire, and also the nighty that was stripped from my sweaty ass as if by witchcraft, all whilst dodging the house wolves who, by this time, are on full alert after my triple salto from the bed.
It is always Summer here
All of the aforementioned fun and games only speaks to the nighttime thrills of Ovarian Retirement. Don’t even get me started on having to battle a power surge at midday in South African summers! There are few things worse than trying to get the hell away from your own self whilst “holding pose” in a business meeting. Even a blasting air conditioner is sometimes not enough to prevent an artfully applied face from melting into the aforementioned wrinkled neck!
Speaking of that exalted appliance…Because I have an obsessive gene, I did some research into the origins of air conditioning while preparing this post…yes, really!
My research taught me that we have one Mr. Willis Carrier to thank for modern air-conditioning. His dear mother was 57 years old at the time he invented the air-conditioner…need I say more? We should all be blessed by such caring offspring.
Portable relief is essential!
If you have not yet, I guarantee that you will get to the point where you will need to acquire a handheld fan (ala Gone with the Wind). I further guarantee that you will flutter that thing about your face like the most dithering Victorian miss, with not a care in the world. Not only that, you will buy more than one! You need one for every space you spend any amount of time in, trust me on this. You can thank me later. My bright and happy yellow one in this photo was dirt cheap at a local Chinese shop. Go get you one, sister!
What about pharmaceutical interventions??
At the age of 55, I have naturally been experiencing intermittent hot flashes for a while but nothing like these violent waves which lately seem to come along every hour! I take an over-the-counter medication (please do check with your own doctor) which used to help quite a bit. However, the menopause fairies have clearly gotten stronger with each passing month and are having a field day with my hormones. Some months I swear I am more man than woman. Other months, I flutter between ogre or fairy. But all months I am lit! (Did I use that word right? Please check with the children)
My doctor did some tests at my last physical and confirmed very matter-of-factly that “Yup, your estrogen is plummeting”. No shit, Sherdoc. So, the volcanic trials and tribulations I am facing, are all related to nothing more interesting or dramatic than simply getting bloody old. Thanks, I guess!
I am considering inventing a machine that somehow harnesses these temperature tantrums we are subject to. I will then sell the harvested energy to our much-beleaguered energy provider. Let me know if you have any energy to spare. We could make a pretty penny, I think!
The Battle continues…
Do you have any suggestions for combatting the eruptions without exploding right out of my clothing? I feel like I want to rip off everything I am wearing when it starts and that is not something anyone needs to see! Even my spectacles and watch make me feel hot.
Please do add a comment with your tips and help out your fellow flaming sisters.
In the meantime, do check out my 5 Top Tips for dealing with hot flashes. You will, in all likelihood, need a grain of salt to fully appreciate the pearls of wisdom shared. I have also shared this graphic over on my Pinterest where, admittedly, it is slightly easier to read. Do not be afeared, my fellow myopically challenged friend, I get it.
Sending you cool and breezy thoughts until next time.
Chat Soon,
Michelle
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Approaching 55 and thinking I had evaded this horror, I am flung into pit of hot flushes… I so do empathise!!!!!
Yup, the Meno Fairies also tricked me into thinking I skipped them until I hit 54 and then….whammo! The hot flashes were such an unpleasant surprise and also, a reminder of how many times I rolled my eyes at my mom when she battled it and made such a palava of fanning herself. I can almost hear Mom laughing at me from heaven!
March 2022, age 43. Went into menopause
Welcome to the mayhem! Menopause has, thus far, been a wild ride 🙂